Fatal Error

Poke, poke…poke

Poke…

It doesn’t seem to be moving

Poke…

I can’t tell if it’s alive or dead

Poke…

One thing’s for sure, my film Porcelain is not doing so good.

Last blog post I promised to model a doll. I begrudgingly (I still am having a difficult time mustering up motivation) worked on one for a while. And then it happened again

I lost work.

it's the lattice...should of saved another version of the file 

I do not think I can express the full extent of my frustration. In fact I don’t think it is frustration anymore. It’s evolved into this weird acceptance that this project is supposed to go wrong. It is in the very nature of the fundament fibres that make up this production I have dubbed “Porcelain” to continually and horribly and devastatingly fail.

There I said it.

FAIL.

Part of me thinks that perhaps Porcelain died some time ago and in my denial I have developed the mantra “it’s still good, it’s still good” while grotesquely parading its corpus around like some hideous Weekend at Bernie’s stint.

I really don’t want Porcelain to die but I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons to keep it going. Right now the strongest argument I have is because I have put so much time and effort into it already. I am scared that if I don’t finish Porcelain it would mean that I have essentially wasted the last 2 years of my life. 

Part of me believes that Porcelain might be the stupidest idea I have ever conceived and I am a giant idiot for pouring so much into it. It’s better to put it out of its misery now before wasting more time and effort on such an idiotic concept.  

Yet I keep insisting that there’s something here worth working towards

There was once passion and inspiration. I remember feeling that way

But I can’t remember why

I am not yet ready to declare Porcelain dead

I’ll just stand here poking at it with a stick

Hoping for it to twitch with some sign of life

Poke…

Poke…

Poke.